Compendium
by acullen1919
Summary: a retelling of twilight as jasper would have experienced it
1. Chapter 1

"Come on, Emmett, we're going to be late." Edward, Rosalie and their constant fight had left the house, presumably continuing their stalemate in the car. One of them slammed the front door. Emmett just glanced at his watch, focusing closer on the TV. Distantly, I felt Alice's mood shift and I smiled. She may have been in the car with Rosalie and Edward, but it didn't seem to matter how far she was from me, I could always feel the ticks and changes in her mood immediately. She was happy – she would be anticipating a shopping trip.

Gathering up my book bag, I backed away from Emmett. The tension was rolling off of his shoulders, and I knew when the scores came out in my favor, the pen he was holding might not be the only casualty. Perhaps the ante in our little games was getting too high. "You know," I said bracingly, "Maybe five thousand was a little too high to go this early in the season. What's say we just call this one a draw?" I asked from my perch near the doorway. I could see the TV clearly, and we were about to find out for sure.

"What?" Emmett asked, turning toward me. His voice was mocking but still tense – belittling. "Too rich for your blood, little brother? Afraid what Alice will say when…That little fortune teller!"

His tone changed halfway through the last sentence, from jovial and condescending to utterly enraged. The pen, as predicted, took the brunt of his frustration, bursting and spraying black ink everywhere, but that wasn't what I reacted to. I immediately bristled, poised for a fight at the mention of her name. "Emmett," I growled, stepping in front of the doorway now – his only exit.

My brother, for all his brute strength, wasn't actually stupid – he might not have been the most astute among us, but in a family of people who could read minds, the future and the moods of their companions, how could you expect to be as attune with your surroundings without some freakish talent? I stared at him. He braced – crouching down ever so slightly and dropping his shoulders. He was prepared for me to strike. Appealing though that looked, I forced myself to see him as my brother - trying to block out the feelings of his own frustration and to force us both into a quiet calm. It didn't feel like it was working, but I pressed on. If Alice had seen us fighting, she wouldn't be so relaxed right now. I probed her mood again, still keeping my eyes focused on Emmett. She was…irritated, most likely with Edward and Rosalie – their patent refusal to work through their recent dispute was making her more frustrated than the rest of us, because she could see that, eventually they would be okay again. Alice was not what one might call a patient person.

I forced my mind to stay focused on her, not to feel Emmett – not to allow his anger to fuel my own. But, abruptly, he moved. His malice had turned only to frustration now. He was angry, but not concretely with me. He pushed past me and raced for the door. I followed, relaxed now. He slammed the front door so hard that it banged back open and I caught it, letting myself out before closing it more softly.

"Get out, Rose," he said, his hands clutched into fists, holding onto her open window. Alice giggled. Edward rolled his eyes. "You would take _her_ side," Emmett growled at Edward, jerking the door open with little regard for the plastic door handle, before slamming it shut and storming off toward the garage.

"Thanks Jaz," Edward joked as I took the space next to Alice, brushing my hand against her leg. I didn't reply, tossing the broken handle on the passenger seat. In the garage, the convertibles engine revved menacingly and the Volvo jerked into reverse.

Forks High School was fifteen minutes from the house by car. We were only about two minutes into it when Edward started shifting in his seat. Alice glanced anxiously at me, but I just looked back at her, shaking my head. My expression was probably as nervous as hers. "Edward," she started, "I know you're nervous." Edward grimaced, getting more tense. I leaned back, forcing a slow breath into my lungs. "But I promise," Alice continued, "it really will be OK." He shuddered and pressed his foot on the gas a little more firmly. I forced a wave of calm energy into the space around me and felt Alice relax at my side.

"Stop it," Edward warned through gritted teeth. I squeezed Alice's hand apologetically and let the atmosphere return to what it had been, closing my eyes.

"You're being unnecessarily difficult, Edward." Alice said, pressing on. "I've seen it."

"Alice." The warning in his voice was stronger now, the growl evident behind it, but she carried on anyway.

"You won't hurt her."

"No one else seems to think so," he replied, turning to look pointedly at me. I looked at the floor of the Volvo. Alice started to respond, but, when I tensed beside her, she seemed to think better of it and leaned back into the seat, watching the clouds outside the window. All too suddenly, we were peeling into the parking lot next to Emmett and Rosalie.

I got out of the car, refusing to make eye contact with anyone and stalked across the asphalt. Rosalie and Emmett were following – their twin animosity close behind. Even here, in the open air of the morning, the scent of human blood was overwhelming. To believe, even for an instant, that Edward could get as close to Bella, the way Alice saw, without eventually killing her and exposing us all was utterly insane when my throat burned already.

I lingered for a moment too long, letting Rosalie and Emmett pass me, before going into the building, savoring what I could of the cool, clean air.

The burn was immediate and intense. It was exactly as it was every other day, no worse, but no better, and there was nothing I could do, so I went in to do exactly what I did every other day.

By morning's end I was forgiven. Emmett may have been quick to get angry, but he was equally quick to forgive, so when I bumped into him outside of the humanities building, waiting for Rosalie, I knew he wasn't angry anymore. That, of course, made the snowball that he lobbed at me – more ice than snow – all the more surprising. Taking refuge behind a shrub, I threw one back at him, glancing it off the side of the tree.

Neither of us noticed when Alice and Rose came out until I heard Alice's sweet voice – chatting about a shopping trip. Emmett must not have heard them, because the next thing I knew, she was telling Rosalie to duck. I was distracted, feeling Rosalie's frustration at Alice's question – and then feeling Alice's amusement – when the snowball cracked into my shoulder, hard enough to knock me off my balance.

"Sorry Rose," Emmett said, emerging from behind the tree, looking sheepish.

I caught up with them a few paces later, still dusting snow off of my jacket. Matching my gait with Alice's, I leaned in to whisper in her ear, "I'm not angry with you, you know."

"I know," she replied, rising up on her tip toes to kiss me on the cheek. "But it's good to hear."

The five of us made our way into the cafeteria, laughing and joking as if nothing in the world had been wrong. Rosalie thumped Emmett's arm playfully and then started chatting animatedly with Edward about her's and Emmett's plans for Dartmouth next year. Edward played up his part well, pretending to listen with remarkable ease. I even joined in on the conversation occasionally, but my hand held Alice's tightly as the surrounding throng of students thickened. The burning was getting stronger now. Lunch was the most difficult time of day – the entire student body in one confined space – no windows, and all allowed to mingle with the noxious smell of human food.

"How about the ladies get lunch today?" Alice asked, turning to Rose, when we reached our regular table. I knew the look she was giving me as soon as our eyes connected – she was worrying, and I probed her emotions, trying to find out if her concerns were based in reality or paranoia. Abruptly, she stopped paying attention to me, tense – looking at Edward. They were having another one of their quiet little conversations – she was thinking something, and whatever it was, it was only for him.

I followed his eyes, watching them trace from one table to next. He was looking for Bella, and it was obvious that Alice was telling him not to. I bristled, tensing. I could hear one hundred beating hearts in my ears, taunting me – but all I could focus on was Alice. My eyes shifted between her and him while she walked away, picking up a tray and getting in line.

Edward didn't relax. He was in no position to keep up his end of our ruse. "Have you and Rose looked at any apartments?" I asked, not listening for his answer. At Emmett's side, I could feel Edward's tension rising and then – terrifyingly – Alice's. My eyes snapped up to find her, but she was already at the table.

She slammed the tray down on the table, "Get a grip, Edward." Edward straightened up immediately, starting to take off his jacket. Emmett and I followed his action, while Rosalie daintily opened a soda can.

The next ten seconds took an eternity to pass. The door opened and a breath of fresh air rushed in. I gulped it down greedily, feeling the new rush of burning. The girl was walking in, her eyes directed at the floor, a few steps behind her friend. They threw their jackets down at an empty table about twenty feet away, making their way toward the end of the line. Another friend, a boy, caught up with them, setting a hand on the girls shoulder. Edward shuddered visibly.

"Don't breathe," I muttered in Edward's direction. I could feel his discomfort emanating across the room. They were sitting down at their table now, and he was physically uncomfortable with their proximity to the heating vent.

Alice pushed the tray toward him forcibly. He took an apple from it, tossing it back and forth, leaving bruises in the flesh each time his fingertips touched it. "She's going to look up in approximately fifteen seconds," Alice whispered. We were all watching Edward, and everyone shifted in their seats, trying to look more human. Emmett winked at Rosalie and stood up, shaking his mop of wet hair so water droplets fell over her and Alice. Rosalie jumped back, laughing and squealing a little. Edward, composed now, forced a laugh and I matched suit, leaning over to drag Alice back into the spray.

Our laughter died out, a little too unnaturally, but with the exception of the girl and her tablemates, no one seemed to notice the little performance. Alice closed her eyes, inhaling sharply, but I could feel Edward risking a glance at her before she could stop him. The burning in my own throat intensified past the point of reason – past the point of restraint – and I gripped the metal table bracingly. Edward's eyes snapped back to the apple.

"Too soon," I growled through clenched teeth.

Rosalie was watching me, concerned. It was infuriating – her self-control was as unparalleled as Carlisle's and when she watched me like this, I was acutely aware of what she thought of me when no one was looking.

"It's OK," Alice said, touching my hand. "She won't look again."

I shook my head.

The rest of lunch passed without incident. As soon as she left the cafeteria, Edward pushed his chair away from the table noisily, taking both of the trays to the trash and leaving without another word for any of us. Rosalie just shook her head, jaw set hard with fury and left through the other doors, headed for the parking lot. Emmett just shrugged and followed her. My biggest brother was the only one who had, for the most part, stayed clear of the fray in this particular trial. He didn't seem to care either way. If Edward killed her, he wouldn't pass judgment any more than he was passing judgment on Edward for trying to coexist with her. His wife – or girlfriend, at the moment, I supposed – felt differently. My only sister felt that he should have stayed away. I, as it were, agreed. Alice, on the other hand, felt that Edward and this girl – Bella – that they would be a great love. Assuming, of course, that he didn't kill her.

Alice brushed a fingertip along my arm, calling me from my contemplative reverie. I shook my head, holding out her jacket, an easier smile in my eyes. The cafeteria was nearly empty now, and I could breath easier. "You felt it, didn't you?" She asked, slipping her arms into the sleeves. The pretense of wearing a coat was a less appealing one now that we lived in rainy, mundane Forks, so she forgot it – a lot. When we'd lived in Paris for a few months… Well, then there was couture, but here in Forks, utilitarian was the way to go, and she was loathe to be seen in the all-weather attire.

I nodded slowly, pushing the door open and sighing.

"So you understand, then?' she asked, taking a lung-full of the clean, crisp, non-deep fried air outside.

"To a certain degree," I said. A student brushed up against me and I reached for Alice, lacing an arm around her waist. "I understand that there's something there. She's terrified of him, in a way, but she's…drawn to him, in another. But," I added, bracing for her response, "I don't know how you can be so confident that he won't…hurt her."

"I just am," she replied, looking up at my face.

"I know you are. But, Alice, we both know that you're not _always_ right." I stressed the word "always," trying to be gentle with her feelings. "You're right a lot of the time," I added, "but you can't be sure that his resolve won't break at some point and change everything you're seeing."

As the gym came into view, she considered him for a moment. This was a conversation Alice and I had had before – the one about her visions being flawed and imperfect. "Are we still talking about Edward?" she asked. The last time we discussed this subject, the conversation had a very different cast of characters. In fact, the last time we'd discussed this, we were discussing whether or not I was capable of going school after the near miss over the holidays.

"We are," I promised - my tone even. "But it's not as if I don't have a unique understanding." I said, trying to be persuasive, to make her see my side. Forcing Alice to feel something was one thing, but her visions gave her a stubborn streak that couldn't be easily swayed.

"Jasper," she said, stepping in front of me on the sidewalk and forcing me to make eye contact. "I stopped you." The rush of emotion I felt at remembering the moment made me feel ill.

"Barely," I intoned.

"But I stopped you. And if Edward does the same thing, we'll know." Her expression was confident, probably in response to my pained one. For whatever reason, everyone always thought that I resented their self control, and perhaps I did at times but Alice always understood that, when push came to shove, I wouldn't wish my trials on anyone. She knew that it hurt me deeply each time Edward was tempted – each time the girl got too close – and it terrified me, perhaps even more than it terrified Edward, to feel exactly how close Edward was coming to the brink of disaster.

I didn't answer, just smiled weakly and let her shrug herself underneath my arm. The two of us started walking again. P.E. was the most difficult hour of any given day and I longed for next year when I would officially have done my time, so I didn't pay much attention to Alice throughout the hour. This class was just the two of us and Emmett, there was nothing in a gym class that could cause her any harm. I could feel her, across the room – as relaxed as I could imagine her to be given the current situation, she was clearly watching Edward. Emmett tossed me the basketball, harder than he would have thrown it to anyone else and it took everything I had not to crush it in my palms. This wasn't a distraction I could afford. With physical activity came sweat and higher blood pressure – the hearts thumped faster now.

When I looked up, trying to find someone to pass to, the rhythm of my dribble falling pace with heartbeats, I caught a glimpse of Alice, fading back from her game of Ultimate Frisbee, feigning a limp. Dismissing that image, I tossed the ball to a boy in a blue t-shirt, but before he took his shot, Alice's behavior had my attention again. She was running, flat out as far as a human could see, making a beeline for the outside.

I hesitated, trying to find Edward, feeling my way down the paths and trying to block out the pain, frustration, boredom and competitive feelings that currently made up my environment. Emmett and I exchanged glances and shook his head. "Going after her?" he asked, moving closer to me.

I shook my head. "I think it's OK. Edward seems to be holding his own emotionally."

Emmett glanced at the clock. "Just a few more minutes."

I didn't see Alice again until the end of the day. She was waiting at Emmett's locker. They both looked as exhausted as I was. "Where's Rose?" I asked when I got close enough.

"Went home," Emmett answered. "She wants us to get a ride from Edward."

Alice looked at him quizzically. "Edward left." I felt my shoulder's slump. This was precisely the thing that I didn't want to hear. "About three minutes ago," she added.

"Oh," Emmett said, furrowing his brow for a fraction of a second and looking me over carefully. "I'll call her."

"Don't," I said, zipping up my jacket. "Not on my account, anyway. I'd rather walk."

Emmett shrugged his shoulders and zipped up his own jacket. "See you two kids at home, then," and moved purposefully toward the treeline.

"Jasper?" Alice asked when we were safely out of hearing range of the rest of the student 'd been together long enough that she knew she didn't need to actually pose the question for me to know what she was asking. I knew she was wondering why he looked as if I didn't have the energy to take another step forward. I knew she was scared now – more than she'd ever been afraid that I would bite a human – to see me looking so listless and despondent. It would bother her, to see me this way – and I understood why. Depression wasn't a mark of our kind.

I turned my face toward her, smiling gently. "It's trying," I said, "Living in this kind of emotional current. It's never been this tense before – not at home."

"I know," she said, her voice soft and gentle. I shifted uneasily as she stared at the forest floor beneath our feet. I knew she was having a hard time, trying not to simply find out what I would say next. She seemed to be focusing on the route more than the conversation and I shifted my attention to it as well. We weren't walking the path we'd started out on – the one we were taking now was the most direct route to the house, but it wasn't one often tread by humans. "It's going to work out," she said, finally. "It won't be like this forever – I promise."

"You've seen that?" I asked, a little sarcastically.

"No," she admitted. "But I've known Edward as long as you have – and, more than that, I know us. I know Carlisle and Esme and Rosalie and Emmett. We're a family and we've made it through worse than this before." I snorted a laugh involuntarily. She was, no doubt, referring to one of my indiscretions. "She's just a girl. He can handle this and, if he can't, then we'll do what we always do when someone slips up – we'll deal with it and move on."

I shook my head, a little sadder for having heard her words. She, the thing I loved most in the world, was completely misunderstanding my nightmare. "Alice, it's unbearable. Rosalie is so angry – Edward is so conflicted. It's difficult enough to deal with my own thirst, let alone the aftermath of his, and it's so _strong. _Carlisle has never been more afraid – not even when he worries about my mistakes. Esme? The last week has been one of the worst in her life, and she tried to commit suicide." Alice flinched. That wasn't a story we often discussed. "She was torn apart. I think…I think I need to be away from all of this for a while." I formed the last sentence very carefully, letting each word dissipate before moving on to the next.

"Would you like us to go away for a while?" she asked. I could hear the concentration in her voice as she tried not to probe into my thoughts – to see what I was going to say. More than that, though, I could hear what it was costing her to offer to leave. Alice loved me, and she would do whatever I asked of her, no matter what the personal pain would be. She wouldn't want to leave Edward unprotected, or to force Esme and Carlisle to say goodbye to both of us, but I knew she would, if that's what I needed.

Strangely, she smiled.

"Alice," I said, my voice softer now. "I think," I hesitated. "I think I need to go away for a little while – alone."

She stopped.

I stopped too, taking hold of her shoulders and leaning down to look into her eyes. "You can't help seeing them. You'll channel their future and you'll bring them with you." I was right, and she knew it. No matter how distantly related we felt to Tonya's family, after spending any length of time with them, their future, however mundane, would creep into her visions when we left Denali. There was nothing she could do about it, but it didn't make the saying it any easier.

"I understand," she said. Her voice was normal, but the pause between my words and hers was too long for me to believe she hadn't been cut by my words. I looked at her sadly, narrowing my eyes against the lie. "No, really – I understand," she repeated, sounding more sincere this time. "Just, please, come home and explain to everyone. You don't have to go into detail, just promise them that you'll be back."

"Alice," I scolded, drawing back from her. "You know I'll come back."

She looked at her shoes.

Speaking gentler now, I crouched down to see her, eye to eye and tilted her chin up so she faced me. "Stop trying to protect me. Close your eyes. You'll see it. I'm coming back."

Her eyes closed and she concentrated – concentrated on me, on the family, on the future – but before she could wander too far past the very real moment we were in, she stepped forward and locked me in a tight embrace. "I don't need my visions to know you're coming home," she whispered.

We walked for a few more minutes, talking idly about our lives – me trying to understand where she was coming from – why she had this herculean confidence in Edward that not even her glimpses into the future could shatter. After awhile, the conversation died out – not in an uncomfortable way, just in the way a conversation often did between two people who were truly capable of agreeing to disagree.

"We should probably get going," she said, gesturing toward the little chinks of light that slid into view between the trees. It wasn't anywhere near dark yet, but too much time had passed, everyone else would be long since at home.

"I think I'll hunt some," I said, letting my gaze wander into the trees.

"Jasper…" There was a warning in her tone – almost maternal.

"No, really, it's OK. I just need some time to clear my head, and it's been a long week."

Alice left at a sprint and, the further she got, the easier it became to block out her feelings from my mind. Here, in the forest, there was nothing I could feel but my own emotions. It was the only way to really sort through what I was feeling at any given time. I stayed where I was, standing in the middle of the snowy path, flipping through my own emotions like they were someone elses. The experience was still foreign to me.

I felt…concerned. But I also felt…relieved. And under that, there was…frustration. Mostly I felt…scared. But was I scared of myself, or of Edward?

Somewhere in the distance, I caught a whiff of something living – something large enough to peak my interest. A deer?

I crouched and sprung.

When I came home, coming in through the open window wall, Edward was gone. Alice said that he and Carlisle had gone out hunting, which didn't seem odd to me, until mentioned that he was looking for me before he asked for Carlisle. True to form, though, she had me distracted before I could contemplate that oddity for very long. "Jazz," she was arguing, toying with the zipper on her hooded sweatshirt teasingly. "You can't leave without saying goodbye to the boys – and there's really no reason to upset Esme prematurely. I mean," she unbuttoned my top button. "she's been through so much lately."

"Alice," I said, bracingly, taking hold of her hand gently and pulling it away. She blew a frustrated sigh threw her lips, knocking a strand of fallen hair out of her eyes and I smiled.

"Fine," she retorted, retrieving the remote and flopping onto the couch. I laid down across its length, resting my head in her lap. She entwined her fingers in my hair, staring out the window. I knew what she was thinking about, because I was thinking about it to. From the day that Alice and I met so many years ago, we'd never been apart for more than a few hours. She'd left before, and I certainly left as well, but we always left together – no matter how much security we could take in knowing the outcome of the separation, being apart was simply too hard. We avoided it at all costs.

Feeling her worry, I rolled onto my back and smiled up at her. "I love you, silly thing," I said, reaching up to tweak her nose. She let the corners of her lips curl, a look in her eyes like she was trying to memorize the moment.

"Jazz," she said, but I smiled wider, shaking my head.

"I know," I whispered, catching her hand and kissing each of her fingertips in turn.

The door opening downstairs made both of us jump. I moved to get up. The moment was over, it was time to tell them, but Alice stopped me. "Don't bother," she said softly, "Carlisle has to go into work."

A few minutes later, Alice got up, gingerly putting a pillow under my head. She knew I didn't want to go downstairs – that I was afraid seeing Edward would clip my focus, causing me to reveal more than I intended. Laying on the couch, arms crossed on my chest, listening to the sounds of my family shuffling around the house, I inhaled the crisp, clean forest air that streamed in, tainted with snow and switched the channel to something that might have a chance at holding my attention. I never watched tv, really. Little human melodramas so lauded in sitcoms seemed so inane when faced with the reality in which I lived. I wondered, idly, if they seemed equally pointless to the humans watching them.

After a while, the door opened again and I felt a new emotion enter the house – followed by Alice's increased sadness. They're moods changed over the next few moments. The frequent shifts implied they were having a serious conversation and then Alice began showing him what she saw, because her emotions – usually very easy to read – started to flux from one instant to the next. Then, Edward's voice, a whisper too low for me to hear the words, but a mummer none the less, was joined by Alice's own whispers and followed by her footsteps, first up the stairs – then down them at nearly a run. I cringed.


	2. Chapter 2

Carlisle came back before Alice did, but by that time, I knew she was staying away intentionally. She knew I couldn't leave until we'd said goodbye, and she knew I wouldn't be cruel enough to tell Esme or Carlisle, or anyone for that matter, even a moment sooner than I absolutely had to. "I'm sorry," she whispered when I crossed her path in the hallway. I shook my head. It was impossible to be angry with her – not for this – because I knew that if she had been the one trying to leave alone, I would never have allowed her to go without a fight. Still, before we had time to talk again, it was time to pile into the Volvo and, given how difficult it was for either of us to keep things from Edward, it was probably for the better. Rosalie and Emmett had evidently forgiven us – me for my windfall and Alice for her meddling in Rosalie's argument with Edward – because when we made it to the driveway, they were already in the car.

While I may have been the family member who displayed the most historical difficulty maintaining our lifestyle, Edward was revealing himself as the one most incapable of keeping up the ruse, so I noticed when he uncharacteristically concentrated on the road while driving. When we pulled into the lot, I felt a tug and turned to see Alice hesitating. I watched her weigh her options – trying to decide if he would need her more today than I always did. When she let her fingertips brush gently over my scarred arms, I knew the path she'd chosen and, in some small way, appreciated the vote of confidence.

"Jazz, I'm going to wait with Edward for a minute," she whispered after Emmett and Rosalie got out of the car. I looked at Edward, gauging his ability to play along with our little game and then squeezed her thigh where my hand had been resting, wondering how long this would continue. It was taking everything I had not to consider leaving right now - begging off on the pretense of an unusually difficult day and not enough hunting so that I could stop back in at the house, say goodbye to Carlisle and Esme and seek the reprieve I so needed, but I knew that even considering this for a flicker of an instant would give me away to Edward, so I pushed out of the car and forced myself to focus on Emmett and Rosalie while I stalked, a little faster than normally, to catch up.

Rose turned first. "Where are Alice and Edward," she asked, looking over my shoulder to see them leaning against the Volvo.

"Oh god," Emmett said, spinning around and stopping in the grass. "He's not going to wait for her, is he?" Rosalie chuckled. "That's so _needy._"

Before the conversation carried on any further, the roaring sound of Bella's truck edged up the road. The three of us exchanged glances and then they both looked at me as if waiting for further instruction. As the truck chugged closer, I probed for Alice and shook my head. "It's fine," I muttered. "Let's go."

Emmett shook his head and moved across the grass again with Rosalie and me in tow. The truck was in the parking lot now and I could feel the rush of emotions coming from the Volvo. I walked faster, trying to put some distance between Edward and myself before he smelled her for the first time, all too aware of the unbearable feeling I would suffer Behind me, I felt Rosalie's concern before she huffed and then pushed past us.

"Oh relax, Jazz," Emmett said, irritated. "She's just worried about you." I grimaced. "Hey," he added, amused. "It could be worse – she could be angry with you. Remember when Alic.."

Emmett was still talking, but without warning, the climate around me changed so much that I was entirely engulfed in it. Like a wave, the force of Alice's terror crushed against my psyche, driving away everything else – his words, the burning sensation in my throat the delicious scent of the humans that surrounded me on all sides. I could no longer feel anything but her fear. When I whirled to turn on it there had been no disturbance. Edward was not crouched over the girls limp body and no harm had come to either of them, but there was no relief in that for me, because my acute senses were focused entirely on Alice's heart-wrenchingly terrified expression, watching as her lips opened to form the word "no" without ever hearing the words.

Four and a half seconds passed before I saw what she was seeing – a mini-van turning into the lot too quickly, skidding toward the side of Bella's truck, toward the girl herself and suddenly I knew that there could be many things she might be seeing, but only two outcomes. My instinct for self-preservation – the one that told me to run as fast as I could away from the blood that would surely be spilled, knowing that my own thirst combined with Edwards would kill us all in this crowded parking lot – battled against my desire to protect Alice so, as the van careened towards the car, I stood, frozen in the grass.

I watched her horrified face turn to find Edward, and only when her expression changed did I realize he was gone, that he had moved. Simultaneously, the world reappeared around me again. Where before I had felt only Alice's fear, suddenly I could feel Emmett and Rosalie, both tense beside me again. I could feel the boy who was driving the van, the students as they flooded back out into the lot when the unmistakable sound of metal on metal reached their ears. I could feel Edward and I could feel the girl. I didn't need to look to realize that he had come to her aid. She felt no pain, only gratitude and confusion and I knew he'd saved her.

I continued to watch Alice as the rest of the student body assembled, trying to move Tyler's van back far enough for the EMT's to work. "Should I help?" Emmett asked in a whisper. Across the lot, Alice shook her head. She was tense, watching Edward, and for the first time, she seemed to feel, in some small way, what the rest of us had felt since the beginning – she was finally registering the risk.

We waited until the van was clear and Alice, the closest among us, had moved in to edge forward into the throng of children surrounding the accident split up and mixed into the crowd, trying to make it seem as if we'd been there all along. For the firs time since my own human life, I was elbow to elbow with humans and my throat didn't burn. For her part of the performance, Rosalie gripped Edward into what was a convincingly affectionate hug – had I not been able to feel the emotion behind it, I might have even believed it myself.

It took about ten minutes for doctors to make a preliminary assessment of Bella and Tyler and whisk them away. Once they were gone, the rest of the students dissipated, but no one seemed to be returning to class. Edward got back into the Volvo almost immediately after they'd gone, leaving Alice, Rosalie, Emmett and me standing alone in the lot. "I'm going after him," Rose said through gritted teeth. Emmett opened his mouth to say something but thought better of it, wandering instead toward the tan car which still showed little indentations and divets where Edward's shoulders crushed against it.

I was the next to break the silence that had fallen, watching Rosalie's ever-so-slightly-faster-than-human-walk as she rushed toward the tree line. "Should I follow?"

Alice was the one to answer, her voice betraying the confusion she felt. "No. Edward will get to Carlisle first. Carlisle will understand." Her words were reassuring enough for Emmett, but I knew she wasn't worrying about Edward and Rosalie's petty argument – she was worrying about Bella, because she knew, as I did, that everything we worked for rested in the hands of this one little girl. I gritted my teeth. It wasn't rational thought that compelled Edward to save her today. He didn't stop the van because he knew that the scent of her blood would be too intense for him – that he would expose us. He interfered because something in him couldn't handle what it would mean if she no longer existed. He didn't have the stomach to end her, and he never would – so we would spend the rest of her life – the next sixty years – dealing with this…this feeling that he had for her. And then there was the question of what would happen to all of us I he were to hurt her. Even if there were no witnesses, I knew that the emotional impact of his killing her might well kill him.

"Jasper, stop considering that," Alice's words were stern and they broke into my musings. "You're not going to hurt that girl, and neither is Edward." I glared at her with rampant disbelief. "I'm not letting you – we'll leave if we have to."

Emmett must have overheard us, because he stopped what he was doing and moved closer. "We should get out of the parking lot," he hissed, looking over his shoulder. Alice nodded.

Emmett and I shared a class this hour, but we didn't go. Instead, our random silent wandering through the corridors led us to the library and it seemed as good a place as any. I cleared my throat. Emmett may not always be the most subtle among us, but he could, at times, be the only person in the family with whom one could have a conversation and trust all he would hear would be what you were saying – it was a welcome reprieve from the intense exchanges with Edward, Alice, Carlisle and Esme.

"One of us has to do this," I said. I knew he would understand what I meant without further explanation and he looked at me, guarded and condescending.

"Don't you think that's up to Edward?" he asked, bracingly.

"No," I countered honestly. "He can't hurt her. It would kill him." Emmett scoffed. "Alice and I – we can leave if we have to, if he hates us – but Carlisle can't lose Edward."

"Jasper, if you feel like you can't handle this…" his voice trailed off.

"Emmett, it's not that," I spat, trying to keep my tone at a whisper. "I'm OK. But do you really think this can end without him killing her? No one will be surprised if I slip up. And even if Edward is furious, Tonya would take Alice and I in."

We sat in silence for a little while, Emmett presumably considering what I had said, but the bell rang before we were able to discuss it further.

I didn't see any of them again until we were in the cafeteria for lunch. Rosalie had taken her regular seat but she had clearly given up a bit on the pretense, sitting a little straighter for a little longer than was normal. Instead of looking relieved that our brother was OK, we looked tense, agitated and, depending on who you were focusing on, vengeful. Fortunately, the chatter in the cafeteria all revolved around Bella and Tyler. The few student's who'd stayed at school this morning were being filled in on all of the details by those who'd gone to the hospital to wait. Just before the bell rang to signal the three minute warning, Alice leaned across the table. She spent the entire hour watching Edward and, judging by her level of frustration, it had been relatively fruitless. "Edward's going to come back this afternoon," she said, looking pointedly at Rosalie. "Let's all try to remember were in public."

Emmett and I didn't really talk much for the rest of the afternoon and Rosalie avoided all of us – furious with what she perceived as our non-reaction to the situation. My teachers, seeming to take pity on me in the face of my brothers supposed near death experience this morning didn't ask much of any of us save to enquire as to his health. Automatically, I answered their questions – yes, he's fine, no I don't know how Tyler and Bella are – even her name stung my throat as I said it. By the time we made it to the car we'd all had enough and were ready for the brief reprieve the ride home could serve as. If the five of us could keep from backbiting, sniping and otherwise throwing ourselves at eachothers throats for the fifteen minute ride back to the house, I might be able to make it through the evening without my skull splitting in two, but I could feel Alice's tension and irritation and any hope I'd had evaporated. She was agitated and I recognized it as the particular brand of annoyance she reserved for me.

Frustrated with the delay in my plans to leave, I abandoned my efforts to hide my intentions from Edward and resolved instead to simply eliminate the problem. Alice stiffened. Edward gripped the wheel tighter and I began to wonder what lengths he would go to to protect this girl. The words Alice and I exchanged on our walk last night gained new relevance.

"_I think he may love her." _I'd said. Alice protested, insisting that he couldn't know her at all and couldn't love her as a consequence. _"I know," I argued, "but I think there's more to it than that. And I know she's drawn to him."_

When we got home, Edward cut a direct path for the dining room, the rest of us right on his heels. Alice hung back, knowing what was about to happen better than the rest of us but I pressed on. Edward sat down next to Carlisle, poised at the edge of his seat. Rosalie was the next to declare herself, pulling out a chair at the end of the table, pitting herself against Carlisle and Esme. Emmett sat dutifully at her side. I hesitated for a moment, surveying the situation cautiously. Resolved though I was that Edward's fascination with this girl was dangerous for all of us, I certainly wasn't as set in my opinion or as militant as Rosalie. Hearing Alice's footsteps approaching, I planted my feet where I stood, resolving to stay precisely where I was.

Over the years, Alice and I had many disagreements. Her unique abilities and mine often placed us on opposite sides of an argument, but rarely did our arguments involve the family in this manner. She too hesitated when she entered the room, watching my movements carefully before pulling out the chair next to Esme.

He spoke first, apologizing. Rosalie countered him aggressively, sounding as though she wanted to strike. Alice kept her eyes closed through all of it – either defending herself against the conversation or trying to see where it was going. Edward offered to leave, insighting a plea from Esme. Emmett tried another tack – arguing that Edward's ability to hear people's thoughts was indispensible. Edward disagreed and, when Carlisle took Emmett's side, he countered again. "She's trustworthy. She won't say anything."

Rosalie bristled in front of me.

"I know this much," he said. "Back me up, Alice."

The sound of her name caused the hair on the back of my neck to stand up, but I could feel Edward's desperation. She looked up and shook her head, looking at me meaningfully and then glancing at Rosalie. "I can't see what will happen if we just ignore this."

As she spoke, I felt Rosalie's mounting tension, and knew she could see it as well. Abruptly, Rosalie exploded, her fist slamming into the table. I longed for things to be as easy for me as they were for Emmett. I wished I could just put my fingers in my ears and walk away from this room – that that was all I needed to do to be able to shut out the outside. Still, as Rosalie argued, I could sense a waning in her resolve. She was giving in and she would do whatever Carlisle demanded of her and he was resolved not to let any of us hurt her – Bella. There was no point in calling her "the girl" anymore, she wasn't going to go away for us anytime soon. If I was to do anything – I would have to understand that it would cost me my family, and perhaps even Alice.

While the fighting continued, Alice looked at me, seemingly watching my expression carefully. I didn't move – didn't even blink, determined not to influence the mood in the room whatsoever, to neither amplify nor negate Carlisle's resolve or Rosalie's fury. Alice would know – she must have understood that my silence wasn't indifference but rather was my unwillingness to put my plan of action on the table for debate. I was going to eliminate this hazard, and it wasn't a matter open for discussion, but respect for Carlisle kept me standing here, waiting for them to finish. I could make eye contact with her, knowing that her expression would be too painful to endure.

Abruptly, Edward turned his attention on me, cutting Rosalie off mid-sentence. "She won't pay for my mistake," he said, his voice even. "I won't allow that."

"She benefits from it then?" I asked, keeping my eyes on him. I felt Alice, at Esme's side, almost recoiling from my tone and it felt like knives slashing across my mind. Edward and Alice shuddered in time. "She should have died today, Edward. It would only set that right."

"I will not allow it," he repeated. His tone was resolute, but in no way changed – his emotional field however, had shifted in a drastic manner. I felt my eyebrows raise in surprise inspite of myself. I expected him to take longer to realize what he felt for this girl.

"I won't let Alice live in danger," I stated. Edward bristled, his possessive love being replaced with offense. He was sure to argue that she _wasn't_ in any danger, but I saw it before he could speak. "Even a slight danger. You don't feel the way I do about her, Edward, and you haven't lived through what I've lived through, whether you've seen my memories or not, you don't understand."

My relationship with Edward was a troubled one where Alice was concerned. She was easily his favorite among us – he loved her intensely and, whenever the families safety was in question, he was quick to ensure that she would be safe before worrying about himself, a trait that had always endeared him to you – but never before had Edward been the source of the danger and his unwillingness to see the difference was something you were willing to kill him over.

As the thought crossed your mind, Edward heard it like a scream. He glanced at Alice to see if she too had clued into it.

"I'm not disputing that Jasper," he said finally, the conversation taking a sudden turn for the extremely serious "but I'm telling you now, I won't allow you to hurt Isabella Swan."

As we stared at each other, I felt terror flood into Alice and watched as a small wince of pain crossed Edward's eyes. They were having yet another of their silent conversations and, whatever the outcome, it caused both of them extreme sorrow.

"Jazz," Alice's voice broke the tense silence with it's gentle ringing tones.

I cut her off. "Don't bother telling me that you can protect yourself Alice. I already know that. I've still got to-" I was going to say 'got to protect you' but she cut me off in return.

"That's not what I was going to say," she said. "I was going to ask you for a favor." Her voice was careful – cautious and I braced against it. Across the room, Edward gasped and I let my eyes flicker to him for a moment, but she spoke again, bringing my attention back. "I know you love me," she started again, adding a 'thanks' for good measure. "But I really would appreciate it if you didn't try to kill Bella. First of all, Edward's serious and I don't want you two fighting. Secondly,' she stopped, as if she knew what she was about to say would be the dangerous part of the question. "She's my friend. At least, she's going to be."

It was my turn to gasp. "But…Alice…"

She didn't let me talk long, watching me long enough to read my reaction and then starting again. "I'm going to love her some day Jazz," she said softly then continued, infusing a little levity into her tone. "I'll be very put out with you if you don't let her be." As her last words reverberated in the empty space between us – the table had seemed very large today – I felt myself give in, knowing that she already loved this girl she didn't know, and what it would cost her if I were to take that away. Sensing the shift, she relaxed, closing her eyes. "See? Bella's not going to say anything. There's nothing to worry about."

With that, I relaxed, leaning back against the wall but watching Edward carefully. He, unlike the rest of us, seemed more tense than he'd been when we began.

"Alice," he choked out. "What does this..?"

Alice considered her words carefully, snapping her eyes open again in the telltale signs of a vision. "I told you there was a change coming. I don't know, Edward." She was lying. That I could tell as her jaw tensed. Her stress was palpable.

"What?" Edward asked, still more scared than angry."What are you hiding?" She gritted her teeth. "Is it about Bella?" he asked, the fear evident now as his voice cracked.

Alice flinched and her mood shifted for just an instant. It was only seconds, but it was enough for Edward to see precisely what she was trying to hide. "It's solidifying," she whispered. "Every minute, you're more decided. There are really only two ways left to her. It's one or the other, Edward."

"No," he whispered again, leaning on the table for support. It was my turn to be confused. Where I had left Rosalie, Carlisle and Esme in the dark mere minutes ago, I was on the other side now, struggling to discern what Alice must have seen from a few words and broken sentences. Distantly, I heard Emmett ask what was going on, but neither of them moved to answer him. "I have to leave," Edward said.

Emmett started arguing with him – citing all he same reasons we'd discussed earlier, but what he said didn't matter to Edward, or to the future. "I don't see you going anywhere, Edward. I don't know if you can leave anymore." Alice said softly. For a few moments, it was quiet as they locked eyes. She was prompting him in some way, because his expression changed to pain, then to desperation, then his eyes flickered to me and fear and rage filled in the gaps. She was asking him to consider leaving, and she could see me hurting the girl.

"I don't hear that," Edward said aloud. They looked at each other for a few long moments. I stood up from my relaxed post on the wall, tense again. "Why are you doing this to me?" he asked, his question a groan. Esme directed her glare at Alice and I moved reflexively to defend her but Carlisle set a hand on hers and she looked away.

The next words that were uttered surprised everyone but the three of us – Edward, Alice and me. "Love her _too_?" he asked, incredulous even in his whisper. I stood up straighter, stepping closer to Alice, finally understanding the full breadth of what they were discussing. Alice saw her joining us – becoming a part of the family, becoming a vampire. This wasn't something we'd discussed. Changing her in a town and a time where she had family and friends – it was more dangerous than killing her. Alice was feeding him flickers and he shook his head all the while, trying to deny whatever image he was seeing while the pain he felt mounted to nearly unbearable levels.

"I don't have to follow that course," he said, speaking closer to full volume again. "I'll leave. I will change the future."

"You can try," she said softer, turning around to look at me now.

Suddenly, Emmett's voice was booming over everyone else's and Rosalie was elbowing him in the ribs. "Pay attention," she hissed. "Alice sees him falling for a _human_!" She practically spat the word and I tuned her out, focusing on Edward again, he didn't seem to be listening to her words either. Emmett said something, and then Esme broke in, but it was me that Alice answered.

"What do you see, exactly, Alice?" I demanded – angry.

"It all depends on whether he is strong enough or not. Either he'll kill her himself," she explained, shooting a glare at Edward. He shivered, catching a glimpse of a darker vision. "which will really irritate me, Edward – not to mention what it would do to you. Or she'll be one of us some day."

I watched her intently, trying to ascertain if there was more behind her words than she'd offered, but she looked away from me, back at Edward, bracing herself.

"That's not going to happen! Either one!"

"It all depends," she repeated, looking at me. "He may be just strong enough not to kill her – but it will be close. The only thing he's not strong enough to do is stay away from her. That's a lost cause."

There was silence for a long moment while Edward stared at Alice, a mix of desperation, awe, longing and hatred and then Carlisle started speaking again. "Jasper, listen to me," he said, paternal and authoritative. "You can't hurt her. This is up to Edward now." I nodded, as Alice knew I would, but Edward got up and stalked from the room.

"He's not listening," she said before allowing her shoulders to slouch as if the weight of the world were resting on her shoulders. It wasn't like Alice to let the toll of her gift show in front of anyone but Edward or myself. I stepped forward and set a hand on her shoulder, I could only imagine what this must have looked like to the rest of them who had never seen it before.

"Alice," Carlisle said, gently, concerned.

"I'm fine Carlisle," she answered, not giving him the opportunity to ask the question. She drifted out of the conversation, and I went along, washing with her emotions as they came and went, allowing myself to feel them as fully as she did. The rest of them seemed to be discussing strategy – occasionally one of their words would drift in through the fog of sensation.

"So that's that then," Emmett asked, his big booming voice no longer tainted with an edge of concern. For him, the tenuous portion of this endeavor was over. Either Edward would kill the girl tomorrow and we would all leave Forks behind or there would soon be a new member of the Cullen family – another little sister for him to pick on. Beyond those two outcomes, I was sure Emmett entertained no others. Even Rosalie seemed resigned to the situation, but I'd known her long enough to know that she, at least, would be considering other options. Briefly, Alice shuddered again, seeing something that scared her. I tightened my grip on her shoulder automatically.

Stealing herself against the images that seemed to be launching a constant siege on her psyche, she pushed herself back from the table and I released my grip. Esme looked wounded. As much as I knew she wanted to keep Edward here – Carlisle's best friend and her first son – it obviously pained her to watch our discomfort as well. Helplessly, I followed her up the stairs to our room. I didn't say anything, just sent a vauge ebb of soothing energy in her direction and, knowing she felt none of it, giving up by the time we passed Edward's empty room.

Edward left music playing softly when we left for school this morning and it played on still, the soft melody flowing effortlessly into the hall. She stopped and leaned on the doorframe. I paused for a moment before wrapping my arms gingerly around her waist. "Alice," I whispered, trying to infuse my tone with the certainty that I felt. "We are going to be OK. No matter what happens, I won't let anything happen to you."

"I know." She answered me in the same soft tone, taking hold of my hands.

When Edward returned it was long past midnight. Rosalie and Emmett had retired to their room, hours ago, but Alice and I waited, along with Esme and Carlisle, nervous in the great room. I flicked through the TV, switching from one infomercial to another without really seeing what I was watching. Carlisle tried to watch for a few hours, but it wasn't long before the tension began to show on his face as well. Now, he paced from one end of the room to the other, starring at the mirrored glass with blank attention. Esme, it seemed, was the only one able to focus on her distraction – and she did so with an exacting precision, each stitch meticulously placed. Edward would stay – he couldn't leave – of that Alice seemed sure.

"Can I help?" she asked, examining Esme's project. We both knew she wouldn't let her, but she seemed to want to offer anyway. The rug Esme was painstakingly repairing had been with Carlisle since his time with the Volturi and she trusted it to no one. Esme didn't even hear Alice speak. I did, though, and I turned from the TV, realizing what her search for busy work meant.

"About ten minutes, now," she said in answer to my unasked question. Carlisle stopped pacing.

We all busied ourselves, the charade coming easier. Edward would know it was a farce, but the fact that we'd made the effort would placate him some. I switched the TV to a nature show about the African lion and Alice picked up the magazine she'd discarded before dusk, swinging one leg over the arm of the chair. We were all poised like this, carefully staged, when Edward came in. Alice sat up a little too eagerly and Edward emitted a low growl. I stirred.

"Jazz," Alice cautioned, but Edward interrupted.

"Give it up, Alice."


	3. Chapter 3

Days passed before Edward spoke honestly to any of us again. For two people with such exceptional communication skills as ours, it felt strange not to talk to him. He wouldn't be left alone with Alice any longer and, when he finally did, he only wanted her to defend him – he looked for reassurance rather than insight and it cost her something to hurt him again and again as she couldn't promise him he wouldn't be wounded.

"It will get easier," he'd said – sworn really – when we met him outside of Biology one afternoon. Alice opened her mouth to say something but stopped herself, looking pointedly at him and thinking what she wanted to say instead. I glanced behind us to see that Mike Newton, one of Bella's hangers on was coming up fast behind us. He looked tormented again, and angry so I knew he was listening. Alice, of course, would never admit that.

It was March before they ever really discussed it for more than a few seconds. We were at lunch and, while Rosalie, Emmett and I had resigned ourselves to letting things play out as they would, Alice and Edward seemed to constantly do battle over the subject. "Bella's going to look up," she said quietly. She issued this warning once every few days and, when she did, we all shifted, forced smiles and generally tried to look like there was nothing in the world strange about any of us. I felt the uptick in Edward's mood immediately and glanced over to see his grin.

"_Cut it out,"_ I thought pointedly in his direction.

He must not have heard me – to atune to Alice's musings to notice because it was her he responded to, not me. "Stay out of it, Alice," he hissed under his breath. "It's not going to happen."

She pouted, jutting out her lower lip petulantly and it was my turn to smile. Alice generally reserved that maneuver for me and, while Emmett's years of experience with Rosalie could refuse it, Edward had never had reason to develop such a resolve. Alice, as it turned out, usually got what she wanted from him.

"No, Alice," he said, gritting his teeth carefully, but Alice was still grinning.

Her mood continued to improve throughout the day and, while Edward didn't exactly get happier, he also didn't seem to be doing any worse either. Rosalie and I found Alice outside the Sciences building at the end of the day.

Kissing me on the cheek a little more brightly than was possibly necessary, she threw Rosalie one of her best smiles and we both raised our eyebrows. "Jazz, I forgot a book. Will you and Rose wait for me while I go back for it?" I scanned her expression warily but couldn't find anything inherently wrong with the request so I shrugged my shoulders and let her go.

"What was that all about?" Rosalie asked pointedly as Alice walked away.

"No idea," I answered quietly, letting my bookbag fall onto the wet concrete and busying myself pretending to look for a notebook. Rosalie rolled her eyes and pulled a tube of lip gloss out of her pocket, fussing with her reflection in the window until Alice returned.

"Where's the book?" I asked.

"In my bag," she replied, winking.

We didn't find out what was going on until we reached the parking lot. Up ahead, Edward was watching the now familiar red truck intently, his expression just a little to severe. I followed his gaze to Bella, sitting in her truck, her window rolled down with Tyler Crowley perched outside. She looked, uncomfortable, but nothing in comparison to Edward.

"Let's go," Rosalie whined as we piled into the car. Edwards aggression had turned to laughter and it was clearly annoying her. "Stop being an idiot. If you can."

"Do I get to talk to Bella now?" Alice asked as we pulled into the drive. Emmett's head spun around to look at her, putting the puzzle together just a little bit slower than everyone else.

"No!" Edward nearly shouted.

"Why? What am I waiting for?" she asked. I chuckled. The future, as Alice must have seen it, would be very clear now – Edward would no longer be able to resist her.

"I haven't decided anything, Alice," Edward lied.

"Whatever," she retorted, annoyed.

"What's the point in getting to know her?" he asked. His tone had changed – the laughter present when we'd gotten in the car exchanged for melancholy again. "If I'm just going to kill her?"

She paused for a moment, contemplating his question. It was difficult for Alice to see things from other people's perspective. Unlike Edward's gift, and like mine, hers gave her a glimpse of what might be, but it gave her no insight into the people she loved. She still had to interpret everything she saw on her own. "You have a point," she said, finally, trying to see what he would see when he visited her visions.

Rosalie whipped her door open as soon as the car came to a stop and muttered something unhelpful. I sighed, a little relieved as soon as they left. "Sorry," Alice said, her guilt over what the last two minutes had cost me evident in the small space.

"It's OK," I said, gathering her bookbag and mine off of the floor and sliding out too. "Today was just a very long day."

She nodded, then stopped – watching my eyes and then getting lost for the briefest of moments. I rolled my eyes. She wouldn't make this evening easy.

The most revisited topic of conversation for Alice and I was my thirst. Doubtless, she was looking at me now and thinking my eyes were blacker than she would have liked. She would argue that there was no point in pushing myself, and I would try to explain that I needed to practice control or I could never expect to get any better. She would then argue that I felt not only my thirst, but hers and everyone elses and _that_ was why I found it difficult to control – that I in fact needed to hunt more often.

"Jazz," she started, but I waved her off.

"I'll go tomorrow with everything else," I answered, irritated.

"But Edward's hunting tonight," she countered. I shook my head and just smiled.

"Don't worry, love."

We went into the house and proceeded to spend the evening like any other. While Emmett and I watched TV, the volume on so low that a normal person wouldn't have been able to hear it, Alice sat down to re-read a worn copy of _Finnigan's Wake_. No one else liked Joyce, and none of us could understand why she did - his prose was disjointed and impossible to comprehend at times. To her though, all of that was what endeared him to her. It was comforting for her to think that, somewhere in space and time, someone else knew, as she did, how fully incomprehensible things could be. After a while, Emmett tossed me the remote and went upstairs to find Rosalie, leaving us alone in the big living room.

The two of us sat in silence for a long while, Alice reading, me absorbed insofar as I could be in the television, without saying much of anything to one another when, without warning, Alice's mood shifted from her calm, relaxed state to one of anger and excitement. "Alice?" I asked, sitting up instinctively and turning toward her.

She didn't answer, sitting stock still, staring dead ahead. I leapt from my perch to wrap my arms around her shoulders. As quickly as her mood had changed, it shifted back.. No matter how many years you had been with her – how many decades you would spend together, seeing her tiny frame racked by the sudden and significant stresses of her visions would pain you forever. "It's OK. He's not there to hurt her."

I watched her quizzically, waiting for her to volunteer more, but she didn't. "Edward? Where is he – is he after the girl?"

"It's OK, Jasper," she said, sounding more like herself now and able to look up at me. "He went to her. She's asleep. I picked up on something – I think…well, Jasper, I'd like to go there." My expression must have been one of utter disbelief because she continued rapidly, trying to explain herself before I had a chance to get set in my opinions on the matter. "Not actually to the house, just close enough for you to pick up on what he's feeling. Jazz," she paused, "I think he realized – I think he knows he loves her."

"Alice," I said bracingly, pulling back from her by a few inches. "We can't do that to him – we can't _spy_." The way I said the last word must have offended her, because before I'd gotten the opportunity to explain myself, she was on her feet.

"I don't _spy_, Jasper. I can't help what I see."

"Alice!" I countered, following her across the living room. "I didn't mean you were spying – I meant if we went there, I would be spying on his feel-" but she was gone, slamming the front door behind her.

The next morning, Edward still hadn't come home, so we took the Volvo without him. Alice was speaking to me again, our argument evidently forgiven, but Rosalie's inefficient driving pushed the engine in a way Edward's controlled movements never did and it whined under the strain of her clunky driving. "Slow down, Rose. Edward is going to try to pretend he was with us – and no one will believe he let you drive his car like this," Alice warned as we pulled into the lot. We were getting out of the car when he appeared at the treeline. Alice squeezed my hand and warned us not to turn and look because Bella and her chugging red truck, was pulling into the lot.

"That thing is single handedly responsible for global warming," I muttered. I could feel Edward nearby and his excitement was becoming utterly irritating when it was costing the rest of us so much. Rosalie snickered.

The four of us waited, watching him approach her and then watching them walk away toward the school before we made our own way forward. Alice seemed to have picked up their conversation – the highlights anyway – but she wasn't volunteering anything for us now. She didn't volunteer anything at all, in fact, disappearing entirely during our usually gym period only to resurface at lunch, dragging an annoyed Rosalie in tow.

When we were satisfactorily out of earshot of other students, she grinned mischeviously. "Listen to me you three," she started, scolding us slightly, "Edward and Bella are going to be sitting together today at lunch." Rosalie grimaced. "And I don't want any of you interfering. Don't be such a pill, Rose," she added, glaring at her.

I contemplated what she had said while we walked to the cafeteria for ourselves and opted to be supportive instead of irritated. The closer we got to where Edward was evidently waiting for her – his mood edgy and sharp but still hopeful and excited – the more I realized that this, like the day Alice appeared in my life, was a force that I could no longer stop. Perhaps we could have ended this if I had interceded a few weeks ago but anymore, it was a foregone conclusion. Edward needed to do this, whatever 'this' was.

"_Good luck,"_ I thought as we passed Edward. Rosalie seemed to be throwing him her own sort of…encouragement.

"Keep out of it," he whispered, looking significantly at Alice.

By the time we were sitting down, Bella and Jessica were already at the door and her brown eyes immediately fixed on us. Rosalie removed her jacket slowly, setting it gingerly down on the empty chair where Edward would normally have been but I barely registered it. The only thing that I could see – the only thing that I could feel, was the girl and the look of sadness that crossed over her face when she saw his empty seat and then the sensation of despair and immediate guilt along…the rush of affection Edward felt when he realized he had been the impetus of this pain. "Jazz, are you OK?"

It was Emmett's voice taking the concerned tone this time. My generally imperceptive brother looked at me as if I'd grown a third head. "He's fine," Alice answered, glancing in Edward's direction. "Jazz, honey, focus" She spoke gently, sweetly even, trying to call my attention back into the moment. I looked away, watching her eyes as they traced my face, drawing me back into my reality – away from Edward's. Slowly, I emerged, feeling my own sense of the same overwhelming and abiding love but for the right person this time, Alice's sweet smile resolving to fill my sight. "Things just got a little cloudy," she said, turning to Emmett.

With my attention back on Alice, when Bella got up from where she'd been sitting with her friends, to cross the cafeteria and sit next to Edward, I felt the fresh spike of emotion from both of them. It was all the warning I needed, and it was all the warning I was offered. "Alice," I whispered, trying to use as little of the air in my lungs as possible. "I have to go," I said, pushing back from the table. Alice cast a glance in Edward's direction and watched as his expression changed from betrayed a similar pain – the burning that we all knew.

She nodded and moved to hand over my jacket but I was already gone, moving too quickly across the cafeteria – Edward had inhaled.

I hunted. It was the only thing that I could think to do. I disappeared for lunch, knowing that Alice or Emmett would make excuses for me if necessary though, in truth, our teachers were so used to our disappearances that they seldom asked any longer. Our academic records and flawless behavior made up for the spotty-at-best-attendance to classes and they overlooked it. Hunting around the school wasn't exactly wise – it wasn't exactly risky, but it wasn't the safest either, so I pushed the boundries of my talent and went out as far as I could go while still feeling Edward. Alice would see something he might do before he did, but not soon enough – I needed to keep an eye on him and, while his "frequency" kept me closer, it kept Alice safer and that was the only thing that really mattered to me any longer.

I walked for a long while, not really paying attention to where I was going or how much time had passed. I didn't realize how long it had been until Edward's emotions started getting stronger – the burning closer. At first, I thought I had wandered closer to the school, but they were approaching faster than I was walking and I probed the space around them, looking for Alice or Rosalie…even Emmett, but there was nothing. They were still at the school. Still, the girl didn't seem scared and, while Edward's throat burned with the intensity of her scent, he felt at least, as if he had control over it and Alice hadn't seen anything troubling or she would have reacted, and that I would have felt.

With a fresh burning in my throat I turned on the nearest creature big enough to even endeavor to sate it and drank.

When I went back to the school, Edward and the Volvo were parked int the lot, waiting, so I moved through the trees to the other side of the buildings and didn't emerge until the others did, Emmett and Rosalie taking the lead. Emmett opened the car door and said something to Edward which elicited a lame excuse in reply.

"That girl again?" he asked, inhaling the scent in the car. Rosalie caught it too, faster than Emmett had but not as quickly as I did. Edward bristled as I slid into the backseat next to Rosalie. They were bantering a bit, but Edward had his eyes on me through the rear view mirror, a glare and his tension told me what he was thinking.

"_It was never about that,"_ I thought. I didn't remember much of my life before I was a vampire, but I remembered everything of my life before I joined Carlisle. While I was certainly not the strongest among them, I had done nothing to deserve what he was implying now.

Edward, it would seem, was ignoring me, because instead of responding, he turned his attention to Alice, who was holding her hand out expectantly. "I only saw that I was," she said, confusing those of us that weren't in on the joke. "You'll have to tell me the whys."

"This doesn't mean…" he cautioned, holding out a key. _Right, Bella's truck_.

"I know, I know. I'll wait."

We followed Alice in the thundering red truck through Forks and to the girl's house. Once her iron charge was delivered, she piled into the back seat next to me, her wet clothes soaking into my own.

At home, Emmett nd I resumed the game of chess we'd abandoned some days before. Alice stayed close, working on her computer. Whether out of genuine interest in her project or because she knew I would be most comfortable if she was near. Edward didn't leave, which was contrary to what I thought he would do – contrary, perhaps, to what I wanted him to do. I began to muse on that, partly because my recent disdain for my brother concerned me and partly because if he was listening, his mood would betray it, but there was nothing. Evidently, I pushed things too far, because after a few minutes of this, Alice leaned past her pile of computers and started mouthing Emmett's last move. On the third board, I slid a pawn forward, taking his favorite knight.

After a few minutes longer, Edward left and the sound of his fingers on the keys wafted through the house. The fact that he was playing made Esme happy. Alice's joy was that of someone who had, at a time in the long past known pain but no longer remembered it – it was there, but with a vauge melancholy tone. Rosalie seemed always to be prepared for happiness to be stolen away, and she clung to it so desperately that it often slipped from her fingers just to spite her. For Emmett, he could be happy over simple, easy things – his was a jovial soul, but when he felt joy, it never seemed quite as deep as some – genuine and real, but not pervasive. Carlisle, while he would never admit it, had an untapped capacity for joy – untapped because, though he loved his family, he questioned his decisions every day and Edward? Edward was another matter all together. A few months ago, I would have sworn to anyone that Edward was happy and complete, but since he'd met this frail human girl the cracks in his ego started to show and I wondered if he would ever really be happy. So, I took comfort in Esme's joy – unadulterated and true. She regretted nothing of her life, her death or her re-birth. I would give anything for Alice to feel that way.

Conversely, the sound of Edward's playing enraged Rosalie. I could feel it, but I didn't dare draw anyone's attention to it by attempting to bring her back under control. Edward's playing stopped, replaced by his singing laugh. Emmett moved one of his bishops. Esme protested. "Don't stop, Edward," she encouraged. As his fingers struck the keys, Rosalie stalked from the house.

Emmett turned and Alice gestured toward the board. "What's wrong, Rose?" he asked, following her with his eyes as she made her way to the garage. "What's that about?" he asked, looking at Edward for an explanation. He was amused, but not forthcoming, shaking his head and denying any knowledge of her meltdown.

After a while, Alice got up, making her way to the piano and sitting next to Edward. I glanced up, watching them for a few seconds. With Esme so close, the odds that they would argue were slim, and everyone seemed calm enough, so I concentrated my attention on the game at hand, taking advantage of Emmett's momentary frustration and exploiting his poor performance.

The piece they were playing ended and a new one began, this one far more familiar. When it too ended, Alice's mood suddenly brightened. "Oh!" she gasped. We all stopped, turning toward her. Edward, doubtlessly already knowing what she was about to say, and me able to sense that her exclamation wasn't dire, Emmett was the only one who looked startled. "Jasper, guess what?"

"What, Alice?" I asked.

"Peter and Charlotte are coming to visit next week! They're going to be in the neighborhood, isn't that nice?"

Peter and Charlotte were among my only real friends outside of the Cullen's and the Denali's – remnants of my former life, they knew me sometimes better than even Alice did and I relished their visits, so I was pleased and Alice was pleased for me.

Edward reacted badly, tensing immediately. Esme bit. "What's wrong, Edward?" she asked, genuinely concerned.

"Peter and Charlotte are coming to _Forks?_" he hissed. The way he said their names irritated me. Edward could dance around the fringes of human society, sneaking into bedrooms in the middle of the night and I was expected to keep his secrets, but my original family – the people who saved me from my horrific early years weren't permitted to see us because they might risk _her_ safety?

Alice rolled her eyes, amused. "Calm down, Edward. It's not their first visit." She paused for a moment, gauging the impact her words had on him. "They never hunt here. You know that."

"When?" he demanded, still angry. Alice furrowed her eyebrows, glaring at him. As protective as I was of her, she was equally determined to protect me – and if protecting Peter meant protecting me, she would do it. She must have given him what he wanted, however – told her when they were coming in, because he nodded. "No. Emmett, you ready?"

"I thought we were leaving in the morning?" he asked, puzzled, his fingers still resting on a rook whose position he hadn't quite settled on.

"We're coming back by Sunday night. I guess it's up to you when you want to leave." His voice was as cold as his mood and I could feel my fury mounting. Suddenly, I felt like Rose – near boiling over with a rage I could scarcely control, but Alice hadn't reacted – so evidently I wasn't as close to breaking as I felt I was.

"Okay, fine," Emmett said after a few minutes, sliding his rook forward. "Let me say goodbye to Rose first.

"Sure," he replied. Emmett pushed past him on his way to the garage and must have thought something amusing because Edward felt the need to reply. "I suppose I have," he added, slightly warmer now. With that, I'd had enough, when he began playing again at our mother's request, I excused myself to our room and tried to drown out the sound.

"Jazz?" Alice's voice was quiet when she entered the room. I barely heard her over the stereo – she spoke as if she was entering the room of an invalid. I sat up a bit and forced a smile, propping my back up against the arm of the couch. "Are you OK?" she asked and I suddenly understood the reason for her caution – she thought, for whatever reason, that I was angry with her for not being more irritated with Edward.

I shook my head, pulling the headphones off and letting my head fall into my palms, massaging my temples. The human ruse – still comparatively new to me – was seeping in. I acted more like them than I'd ever expected to and suddenly found the freedom in having something to do with my hands refreshing. "We're OK, Alice," I said significantly, answering her real question before she could ask it.

"But are you and Edward?" she asked, coming closer and sitting down on the edge of the sofa, pulling my legs over her lap.

"I don't know." My answer was honest, but it wasn't the one she wanted, and I knew if she was asking, my future with my brother wasn't something she could see. "We've put it all on the line for him and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to risk your safety for his fascination when he won't trust my judgement or yours."

I could hear the hypocrisy even as I spoke. Edward had sworn since the beginning of all of this that Alice would be safe, and I never believed him, but this was _Alice_ we were talking about, and we both loved her.

I assumed she would counter my point – arguing that she was as safe as she'd ever been, but instead, she simply reached out to stroke my hair and allowed her whispers to do the work for her. "I'm sorry," she said sweetly, her expression sorrowful. "I'm sorry that he can't believe in Charlotte and Peter like you can. I'm sorry that he's being so selfish, and I'm sorry that I've encouraged him to go after her – I just…" she paused, lapsing into contemplative silence. "Jasper, he loves her – and I think, as badly as this could end for all of us – it could end equally well. Don't be angry with him – please?"

"Alice, don't…" I closed my eyes, pleading. I didn't need to look at her to know that she was sincere in her request – that she was begging and I didn't know if it was the future she saw for Edward or the future she saw for herself that she was fighting for.

"Please," she begged. "I'll always choose you – always. Only you don't have to ask me to – it doesn't have to be one or the other."

Taking a deep breath, not because I'd run out of oxygen in my lungs, but because it felt good to move, I weighed my options. "One week, Alice. One week and if this hasn't resolved itself to some degree, I go." Her reaction startled me, she pulled back, fear evident in her expression. "At least for a while. I can't be around this."

Edward and Emmett came home Sunday evening, but only for the briefest of moments. Edward was gone again before our guests arrived, and, in truth, it was just as well. His mood was manic, worse than erratic – his parting shot had been to remind me, via Alice, that if either of them hurt the girl, it was me he would blame. For their part, the rest of the family greeted Peter and Charlotte like lost siblings – showering them with affection. Their capacity for love amazed me each time they embraced someone from my past. Edward, Rosalie, Emmett and Esme – they were all chosen. Carlisle had wanted them specifically, but Alice and me? We imposed ourselves upon them and, with my sordid history – one that so flew in the face of everything Carlisle believed - I found it difficult to believe their generosity was real. Nevertheless, they continued to surprise me.

After a few days, things fell into an easy sort of rhythm. With all of the sordid details behind us and their promise to steer clear of Forks at all costs, I relaxed enough to really enjoy their company. "So we're standing there, against a coven of at least 50. I've got 20 or so newborns behind me – Peter's one of them – and you can sense that things are about to get… intense, but Maria is still trying to negotiate our way out of it, and I'm…helping things along as best as I can." Peter grinned. He was watching Emmet's expression rather than mine, his hand resting gently on Charlotte's. Rose and Alice, having no patience for our war stories, hovered over sketchbook. "It's not really working – mind you, but this coven – they have us out numbered two to one, and this doesn't exactly have me comfortable, so all of my attention is on them when, all of a sudden, I hear snickering from behind me. I turn around to fi-"

I stopped talking abruptly, which seemed to bother no one, because they'd all stopped listening in the same moment. The back window in the kitchen opened. Peter and Charlotte exchanged a significant glance. Even Alice, who I knew couldn't have been caught by surprise, looked up. Though, maybe she was trying to talk to him in their way. Regardless, Edward's presence in the house broke the companionable atmosphere the six of us had been sharing.

He didn't come through the living room, though I heard him upstairs a few moments later, rummaging through his closet.

We didn't say much after that. When he'd left, Alice excused herself, taking Charlotte and Rose with her and Emmett followed suit not long after, all of the zeal for storytelling gone.

"We should go," Peter started, breaking into the silence.

"No," I answered immediately. The venom in my tone wasn't directed at him, and he seemed to understand that, but he continued to argue.

"Jasper, we're making this worse."

"You're not."

Vampires, at their core, were solitary, nomadic creatures. If my early years had taught me nothing, it had been that. While Carlisle's carefully guarded rules avoided many of the more common pitfalls of communal living – the fighting over food and territory that plagued yours and Peter's pasts – they did nothing to address the issue of personal space – of privacy. Even without the numerous special talents this particular coven boasted, speaking frankly and candidly to one person and knowing that they would be the only one to hear your words was impossible when living in such close proximity to so many beings with exceptional hearing. So, when backed into a corner such as this one, I seldom knew how to proceed – Edward may not hear the conversation for himself no, but I knew he would pick the highlights from someone else's psyche later.

"He's out of control," I said finally, looking my oldest friend in the eyes.

Peter nodded. "He loves her," he said simply.

His blatant acceptance of Edward's obsession with a human caught me off guard. I pondered him for more than a second, staring blankly while trying to ascertain how, given his and Charlotte's…lifestyle…he could so easily accept that Edward loved her – that he felt for this human girl the way that I felt for Alice or that Carlisle felt for Esme. "I'm not certain I believe that," I replied, finally able to say something.

"Jasper, do you know what I was risking when I saved Charlotte?" I nodded. It was the only response one could have. I knew, as well as he did, that I could have killed them both – that even if he'd died to save her, I could have found and killed her anyway. He was strong, and so was she, but neither of them were any match for me – not then, at the peak of my strength. He shook his head. "You could have killed me right then and there – and I knew that, but I _had_ to save her. I couldn't let you kill her, because I would have rather died and taken whatever damnation there would be for me than to let her go. Humility is not a trait of our kind, but Edward knows now, as well as I did then, what he's risking for her. He knows he can't protect her from the six of you, if you chose to kill her. It can only mean one thing that he's trying."

We sat in the quiet for a few minutes longer before Peter got up, putting a hand on my shoulder for the briefest of moments before leaving the room.

"Don't leave tonight," I said when he reached the stairs. He nodded again, smiling a sad little smile.

When Friday rung in, it marked nearly a week that I hadn't said a single word to my brother, but I found the distraction of Peter and Charlotte to be a good one, despite knowing they would be leaving all too soon. "Emmett, can you give me a hand with this?" Alice intoned from the yard. A massive limb had fallen the night before during one of Alice's larger gestures. Lithe though we were, occasionally the tree's paid the price for our zealous games.

"When are you leaving?" I asked Peter, turning away from them.

"Dusk," he answered, looking out the window for himself to check the position of the sun. I nodded. It wouldn't be long now.

Letting him leave would be difficult for me, but I knew they needed to go. Their eyes were already turning inkier than Edward would have preferred. As if he knew what I was thinking, Peter looked back at me with significance in his expression. "There's time," he said quietly. I knew what he meant – he was inviting me to come along or offering to stay. I'd travelled with them before, hiding in their midst to protect my surrogate family after lapses in my self-control, but now – were they the right place for me to hide now, or would I be running from more than just Edward? And what of his offer – could I keep them here, knowing the temptation they would suffer? Would some part of me be hoping that they might end this whole messy business for us?

"Jazz." Alice's warning voice drifted in the window. Evidently, I'd taken the train of thought too far.

"Thanks, Peter," I said by way of answer, shaking my head. He nodded, resuming his channel surfing.

Alice's warning made more sense mere moments later when Edward's scent reached the house. He'd come home. Everyone tensed immediately. He came in through the kitchen, giving Esme and Emmett's warm greetings little more than a grunt before passing the rest of us without any acknowledgement. I stopped paying attention, judging by the looks on Peter and Charlotte's faces, they hadn't realized quite how bad it had gotten. Charlotte looked pitying, watching Rosalie's expression change from the relaxed one she'd been wearing while talking to Esme to one of loathing the moment he set foot in the kitchen. Peter just looked perplexed. The rest of them fed his game – Alice, her wide grin spreading from ear to ear – Rose, giving him someone within the house to aim his aggression at and Emmett, pretending as though nothing had happened at all.

"Where are you headed next?" I asked Charlotte as he began to strike the keys of his piano.

"Seattle, I think," she answered and began ticking off a list of things she wanted to do now that the sunny days were passing, so like Alice.

We talked, idling away the last hour before their departure and, when Peter got up, finality in his movement, I matched him, standing to embrace him. "If you see Maria again, tell her I wish her well." I grinned, sensing Edward's surge of interest and the irritation. Maria was to Peter and me for many years what Carlisle was to Edward and Rosalie, except she took us down a much darker path – but what would annoy him wouldn't be the relationship we'd once had, it would be that, while I asked her to keep her distance because her presence endangered the family, I did still miss her and it's mention seemed poetic now, when he was so willing to risk us all.

Peter agreed and, when the piano music stopped, turned to Edward who was making his way over to the rest of us. Charlotte broke away from her hug with Alice to return his goodbye.

"It was nice to see you again, Edward," she said, a picture of sweetness, though I could feel her hesitation.

Edward left literal seconds after Peter and Charlotte, speeding out of the driveway in the Volvo. The many moods in the room shifted again – Esme and Carlisle, more nervous while Rosalie was more relaxed. Emmett stayed buoyant and Alice…Alice knew something.

"I'm going for a walk," I announced, apropos of nothing. I couldn't be here any longer but I knew we'd hunted too recently for them to believe that even I needed to go again. As I spoke, things changed again – curiosity, concern…. I closed my eyes, taking a few more steps toward the door.

Never in my hundred years had I ben alone. As a newborn, and a young vampire, I was with Maria and so many others. Though their companionship didn't reach the depths I had come to see here, it remained relevant that I had scarcely broken away from that life when Alice appeared to bring me to this one – I had never been alone. Why now did I want something I'd never had occasion to understand before, let alone to miss? And if I'd wanted it in the past, why hadn't I seized it? They were questions I couldn't answer and I began to ponder, conversely, what their meaning was.

The kiss of cool air outside hit my face and it felt a little like being reborn. Each step I took put more distance between my own feelings and that of those I lived with. I could have run. I didn't. I walked, for hours, meandering through the forest in no particular direction, getting farther and farther from the familiar pull, sensing as they slipped away one by one. I hovered there, a few miles from the house for a long while before going closer – hovering just on the fringe of my abilities. In this place – only just so far away to lock my mind away from the probing of others, I felt both free and oppressed. The inane highs of Emmett winning a game, Carlisle's heavy sighs as he settled in to contemplate his first companion's plight – even Alice's contentment in a closet well organized. I wasn't buried in it anymore, so I searched my own feelings. I was angry, but more than that, I was frightened. Was I frightened that he would kill her and we would have to leave? No. That fear had never been mine. Rosalie's, I suspected. Was I afraid he would kill her, and never be the same because of it? It wasn't that either – that fear belonged to Carlisle and Esme. As I vacillated through my options, I began to wonder if I was afraid he would kill her at all – was my fear that he wouldn't? Could I be so selfish as to want him to stay away so that I didn't have to be tempted? If that was truly the crux of the issue, how much longer could I consider myself worthy of their company? What was more, would Alice still want me if I left?

Abruptly, the longing I'd felt for solitude mere moments ago disappeared and suddenly I felt as though I couldn't get home fast enough. Was that guilt? It didn't matter, so I rushed home at breakneck speed smiling when I found Alice on the steps.

"How was your run?" she asked, matching my smile with one of her own.

"Enlightening." I answered her honestly. While years together had taught me how to lie to Alice about things like this, I didn't want to. The years with her had also taught me that, despite her size and seeming vulnerability, Alice was a worthy competitor and a fierce companion in all things.

She grinned again. "I like the blue one, personally."

"Alice…" I scolded. Our anniversary was looming and I'd been contemplating her gift. "Has anyone ever told you that you take all the fun out of gift giving?"

"What's the difference if it's a surprise now or later? It's still a surprise. This way, I'll get the blue one," she whined, dragging me down onto the step beside her.

"No you won't! I'm going to just have to get you something else now."

She jutted out her lower lip petulantly, pouting.

"What about you?" I asked, changing the subject. "Were you really just sitting out here waiting for me to come home so you could tell me your color preference?" My question was intended only to tease, but she stiffened unnaturally, pulling back. It only lasted a fraction of a second before she regained her composure, but it was long enough to register.

"Well," she said, her voice even – her body still, "I _really_ like the blue."

For the second time that night, I said her name in that slow, admonishing tone I reserved only for just such occasions. "Don't do that. What's wrong?" She didn't answer. All too quickly, the fuzzy details came into order and I realized it wasn't me she'd been waiting for. Though, how she'd thought she would get away with it without my noticing was beyond me.

"What did he do?" I asked, my tone turning cold.

'Jasper," she started, pleadingly. "Do we have to do this?"

"Yes," I answered, shaking my head. "Yes, we have to do this. What did he do?"

"It's not fair…If I couldn't see, you wouldn't have to know."

"And how many arguments could have been avoided if he couldn't hear thoughts or if I couldn't control the way you all felt. Alice, since when do you feel guilty for your talents?"

"It's not the same." She let her face drop into her hands – hiding from me insofar as she was able. I got up and knelt on the step, coaxing her out. "He's entitled to a secret every now and again Jazz, we all are."

"This girl-"

"Bella," she corrected.

I sighed. "Bella is no more his secret than any of my mistakes." She opened her mouth to speak but I closed it, resting a finger across her lips. "I know that I can't understand this the way that you and Edward do. I can accept that. But Alice, that doesn't mean that it's OK for you to keep things from me – not this. It's too important."

We sat like that for I don't know how long. Eventually, I let my hand fall to brush across her throat.

"Can you believe me if I tell you that if he hadn't been there – Jazz, I don't know if he would have survived it…" Her voice trailed off and I could sense how much she believed in what she was saying, so I nodded, running a finger along her jawbone. "Edward went to Port Angeles – he was following Bella."


	4. Chapter 4

I went inside, combing the bookshelves in our room for a familiar title before lying out across the couch to read. Humans could meditate; they could take deep, cleansing breaths. Television, literature and radio distracted them completely. For our kind, only sheer force of will could control a wandering mind and too much white noise was keeping me from concentrating. Stubbornly determined, I flipped the book open and snapped the spine, whispering the words on the page aloud. I'd almost achieved my goal – getting lost in the world of Samuel Beckett – when I heard Edward's footsteps in the hall on the way to Carlisle's study. I hadn't felt him approach, but now that I was aware of his presence, I couldn't help but absorb how beaten and defeated he felt.

I was sure Alice had told him I was home, so it surprised me that he and Carlisle made no effort to speak softly. Their words reached me as if they were standing in the same room.

"Did Alice tell you what happened to Bella tonight?" Edward asked. Carlisle didn't answer him, at least not aloud, anyway, but Edward continued, and his words stung. Alice voluntarily told Carlisle what she'd withheld from me. "Yes, almost. I've got a dilemma, Carlisle. You see, I want…very much…to kill him."

What Edward said didn't surprise me. This strong sense of justice where women were concerned was a personality trait I respected, and one he'd displayed since Alice and I had known him. Whether as a consequence of his human upbringing, his time with Carlisle or Rosalie's own violent history, I would have expected nothing less that this violent reaction. What surprised me more was his restraint. Edward had killed men before to protect strangers, so to think that he'd shown this man mercy, of a sort, after making the mistake of threatening _this_ girl…it was astonishing and I probed his mood, trying to find something that would explain it.

There was anger and rage aplenty, boiling just below the surface of his calm, collected exterior. He was struggling against it to allow Carlisle to handle this in his own way, but the impetus behind it…underneath the torment.

I hated driving, which was possibly the reason neither Alice nor I owned cars. I could run faster than Edward's Vanquish could drive and take a more direct route to wherever I was going than Rosalie ever could in her little convertible. Of all their vehicles, Emmett's seemed the most well adapted to our lifestyle – his hulking Jeep, with it's off road tires and roll cage – and even that provided nothing but a limitation. These past months had been nearly enough to convince me it was time to cash in some of my winnings for something with four wheels and a little peace and quiet.

Rosalie's mood turned acid the minute Edward got home, and it continued down its poisonous path all morning. "Get in," she barked at Alice and me. Emmett jumped over the door and into the passenger seat, with Alice's more graceful leap to follow.

"I think I'd rather run," I started to say, but Alice widened her eyes and gestured toward the seat. Either this was an argument I would not win – or it was one I wouldn't want to. "Nevermind." I said instead, getting in behind Rosalie

When we pulled into the lot, Rose lovingly parked on a diagonal, across two of the precious spaces, leaving a third open , presumably for Edward. It was unnecessary – on the few occasions her car appeared in the lot, no one ever parked anywhere near it – probably because they sensed how easy, and likely, it might be for her to kill them if a door ding were to appear. Only Alice seemed eager to wait for him but, since our argument last night, she seemed to be very aware of what I wanted and agreed to forgo the opportunity much more readily than she normally would have. I was grateful for that.

The week away from humans had done nothing to build my resistance to their scent. I could feel the burning mounting even as we crossed the open yard. Alice squeezed my hand. To make matters worse, in addition to the searing burn in my throat, the hum of nearly one hundred unique sets of emotions began to buzz ever louder and then, a peak of surprise.

Alice was already staring at her shoes when I put the pieces together – realizing all too late that Edward hadn't driven us to school today because he was driving someone else. "He didn't?" My words were a quiet whisper, issued through a clenched jaw – inhaling would cost me too much effort as the throng of students pushed past.

She nodded.

"You knew?"

"Jasper…"

"Don't. Alice, just don't."

It was a testament to how quickly news travelled that no one noticed our argument – their focus entirely on Edward and Bella. The remainder of the morning came and went without incident. The gossip increased, and awkward glances were shot, not only in their direction, but in ours.

Alice didn't meet me after any of my classes, and I didn't go looking for her, but I survived the day.

"Are you OK?" she asked, genuinely concerned when she saw my expression at the lunch table. It was raining and the windows, open on less inclimate days to let out some of the humid air, were slammed shut. The scent was intoxicating and the pain tremendous.

I nodded, but she frowned. "It's under control," I assured her, forcing a smile. Rosalie still looked alarmed. "Really, I'm fine," I added, gulping in a huge lungful of air and forcing my face to remain expressionless while the searing intensified. "See?"

She snickered. "Maybe next time you should pretend to homeschool."

"Maybe next time you should consider some frizzease," Alice retorted lamely.

Emmett and I exchanged a significant glance. "Rose, let's go get lunch before Edward gets here," he suggested, throwing his jacket over the back of the chair and nearly knocking it over. Alice reached out to steady it.

The mention of Edward's name caused Alice to jolt and, when they were gone, she slid into the seat across from me and set a hand on top of my own. "Jazz, listen," she glanced in Rose's direction. "No matter what happens, can you promise me that you'll talk to me before you react?"

If it were possible, I stiffened further. "Alice…"

She looked at the cafeteria line again. "Just promise. Please."

Alice and I met sixty years ago. I, having just left Maria – having just lost Peter – wandered into a diner without any real reason for doing so. I supposed now that the impulse might have been more than mere chance, but nonetheless, when I arrived, my knowledge of feelings as complex as love was entirely secondhand, and even that had it's basis in feeble human emotions. I certainly didn't recognize it in Peter and Charlotte when it had grown right in front of my own eyes. How I identified the emotion in Alice so quickly, I'll never know, but know it I did. She was everything in my world from the moment she entered my orbit and, by a stroke of luck so improbable it would never materialize again if time existed for a million more millennia; she loved me the same way before I even knew she existed.

Since then, love had become a common fixture in my life. There was my own for Alice and hers for me, but also the carnal passion of Emmett and Rosalie's and Carlisle and Esme's generous hearts. For Edward, there was nothing. That wasn't fair – there was the love he felt for Carlisle, the man who created and mentored him for over a quarter century, and there were of course his feelings for Esme, the only mother he'd ever known – Edward was capable of love, he just hadn't found a subject so worthy of his affections as mine for Alice or Emmett's for Rose. Or had he? This girl, whoever she was, didn't seem to be a passing fancy and Edward, despite our collective disbelief, seemed to be holding his own against his thirst for her blood. Somehow, the prospect of her demise was more painful to him than the very real, physical pain he felt.

"Here." Emmett's voice called me from my thoughts. He was holding out a can of soda, his eyes trained intensely on his sometimes-wife. I reached out and took the can without saying anything. Abruptly, Alice got up, offering her seat to Rosalie, and sat down next to me.

"I'm fine," I muttered. She just shook her head and squeezed my hand. I couldn't tell if she was being intentionally supportive or accidentally condescending.

I felt them before I could hear them – the burning in my throat intensifying further. If anyone had been watching our table, they would have noticed all four of our faces turn for the double doors a few beats too soon, but no one appeared to be concerned about us any longer because, moments later, all eyes were on Edward and Bella. The blistering began anew – not as big a shock as I'd expected, but stronger – as if I'd swallowed boiling metal. Alice whispered reassuringly in my ear but I barely heard her. It took everything I had to turn her soft murmurings into words behind the blinding white heat but after a few moments concentration, words they became nonetheless and I found I could almost dare to breathe again. When I opened my eyes again, the table was worse for the wear – my knuckles smashing into the lip so hard they left dents in the Formica.

"Just hear me out," Alice whispered. "That's all I'm asking."

Her words seemed disconnected from the situation. Here I was, submerged in a mire of pain so deep and so nuanced I could scarcely keep myself from lunging at the nearest human, and she was asking for an opportunity to plead _her_ case? But then I saw Rosalie.

"So the waitress was pretty, was she?" Edward's words weren't difficult to hear – even for the humans sitting close to them.

The girl raised an eyebrow "You really didn't notice?"

"No," he answered. "I wasn't paying attention. I had a lot on my mind."

"Poor girl." It caught me off guard when I felt her skepticism turn to hope. I hadn't expected to be able to feel her moods, but before that realization could be fully dealt with, Edward was speaking again.

"Something you said to Jessica…well, it bothers me."

"I'm not surprised you heard something you didn't like. You know what they say about eavesdroppers," she chided – defensive.

"I warned you I would be listening."

"And I warned you that you didn't want to know everything I was thinking."

The room around us moved even slower than usual – suddenly, it seemed as if time had stopped. I didn't need to look at Alice to know that she would be staring at the table. I didn't have to look at Rosalie to know that Emmett was physically restraining her from springing across the room and tearing Edward apart. Our careful ruse, slipping all day, escaped us completely while their conversation continued. No one moved. No one pretended to breathe. No one fidgeted with the trays of food. Emmett, the only one amongst us who seemed to have his faculties, held Rosalie unapologetically in an iron grip.

"You did. You aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you're thinking – everything. I just wish…that you wouldn't be thinking some things."

"That's quite a distinction," the girl said, annoyed.

"But that's not really the point at the moment."

"Then what is?" she asked, when she looked up at him from under half-closed eyelids, I saw something in them I'd seen before…not in her, but in Charlotte. Pushing aside Rosalie's rage, and my own, I felt my way toward her, scrutinizing her psyche.

"Do you truly believe that you care for me more than I do for you?" he asked.

Bella's eyes snapped open. It hit me like a wave – an intoxicating rush of joy and sadness – and Edward's manic, erratic behavior over the past weeks seemed entirely justified.

"You're doing it again," she whispered, breathless.

"What?"

"Dazzling me." Edward made a little noise and I felt the self-satisfaction and self-loathing rise. "It's not your fault. You can't help it."

"Are you going to answer my question?"

Her response was so low, I barely heard it. "Yes."

"Yes, you are going to answer, or yes, you really think that?" he asked again.

"Yes, I really think that." My fingers locked back on the table as feelings that weren't my own racked my mind. Alice, seeming to regain herself, let a hand rest on my leg. She was mistaking my utter lack of composure for anger. The entire exchange lasted no more than a few minutes, but I felt as though I'd been running for days without pause. I hadn't spoken, but I was out of breath, stiff beyond compare. This tension – it wasn't natural for our kind, not even for those of us with special talents. We, who possessed infinite stores of energy, didn't tire. Yet I felt certain that if even attempting to unclench my grip might break my stone fingers.

I risked a fresh breath. "How much does she know?" I asked. Alice didn't hesitate, but when she answered, she wasn't looking at me.

"Everything."

Rosalie wrenched against Emmett's iron grasp – trying to pull away from him. He didn't need any particular skill to know what she was thinking of doing. "Easy, Rose," he whispered, tightening his arm around her. Alice shot a glance at Edward, and then looked back at me for a fraction of a second before turning her attention back on Rosalie. He didn't miss a beat.

"I have another question for you," he said, his tone completely controlled, despite his fluctuating mood. "Do you really need to go to Seattle this Saturday, or was that just an excuse to get out of saying no to all of your admirers?"

I left, it was all that I could think to do, so I left again. And Carlisle wondered why I never felt quite as integrated into the family as everyone else, I thought wryly. Only now, outside of the cafeteria, I knew Edward would never hear me. I could still sense his emotions – sense _their_ emotions – he was too far gone to notice my musings. The scalding in my throat, the pulse of Rosalie's fury, Alice's guilt and Edward and Bella's…was it love, mixed into the self-doubt, self-deprecations…..it was too much. It's cumulative power bowled me over. The quiet of the parking lot – the clean, untainted air – it was everything I needed but nothing more than I could have.

Alice came looking for me after the bell rang, signaling the end of the lunch hour. She found me laying across the back seat of Rosalie's open convertible, staring up at the clouds. "Hasn't Rose been pushed far enough already?" she asked, sliding into the passenger seat and turning to look at me, smiling. I didn't force myself to return it – the effort would have been too great. "Really," she started again, feigning irritation. "I told her to close this. No one in their right mind would leave a convertible open in Forks…"

"Alice, please," I said, my own voice surprisingly haggard.

She opened her mouth to say something but seemed to think better of it. "I'm sorry I kept this from you," she said instead. "I just…I couldn't tell you because I knew if you found out before you got the chance to know her, you would never understand."

"That's a bit of a forgone conclusion, don't you think?" I asked irritably.

"Jasper," she narrowed her eyes. "You felt it. You wouldn't' be out here if you didn't."

"I felt something," I conceded. "But I'm still not sure it was what you're looking for."

Again, she considered arguing but closed her eyes instead. "I know you'll understand in time."

"You've seen that too?" I asked sarcastically.

"Nope," she answered, leaning forward to kiss my cheek. "But I know us. I couldn't love her if you didn't love her too."

I laid there for a long while, feeling the surging current of emotion that emanated from the science building like an electrical arc in a rainstorm before I felt well enough to get to my feet. The hospital wasn't far from the school, but Carlisle wasn't in his office when I arrived, so I waited in silence, scanning the familiar shelves without much interest. The only things in the office that weren't the same as they had been for decades were the diplomas – re-forged every few years to keep the dates current – and the medical journals…those were _always_ current. The leather chairs were worn and familiar, comforting, like the entire space. A box of tissues sat perched very intentionally askew on the leading edge of the desk, backed by a framed photo of Esme. There were no other pictures in the office, so I stared at this one until Carlisle returned, a stack of charts in his hands.

"Thank you, Mary," he said, smiling at the secretary sweetly before shutting the door.

Carlisle and Edward had an easy relationship, built during their years together, and Alice never had difficulty bonding with anyone, but, while I loved our surrogate father, I found it difficult to relate to him, particularly against Edward and Alice. He seemed to sense this and he worked twice as hard with me – I felt his hesitation as he wondered how best to phrase his greeting.

"I need insight," I offered, sparing us both.

His expression softened. "About Bella?" I nodded. "Jasper, Alice may read the future and Edward may hear people's thoughts, but I've never known anyone as insightful as you."

"I don't intend to hurt her. There's no need to flatter me into complacency," I replied, grinning all the same because I knew for his part, he meant every word he said.

"Sincerely, Jasper – Edward and Alice…even Rosalie and Emmett, to a degree, are over-confident because of their abilities, but you – you take nothing for granted. You examine everything you see with what you feel as a component to it, not as a filter."

I waved my free hand, gesturing for him to stop. With a note of bemused, paternal frustration, he did, letting his teeth click shut and puffing out air. "That's the problem, Carlisle," I started. "I know what I'm feeling – or rather, what I'm sensing that he feels. What I can't separate is whether it's right."

"Love is seldom right. Sometimes, it just is," he answered sagely.

"I understand that part. Edward can't be away from her – and she can't be away from him, but that's theirs. What does that mean for morality?" I set the photo back down on the desk, putting it back precisely where it had been. "I don't think any of us believe he'll be able to keep her alive for long."

The nod he issued was a solemn one. "That outcome has certainly occurred to everyone – Edward included."

"He won't live through that – turning her into a newborn. It will break him." I couldn't look Carlisle in the eye as I spoke, staring at the carpet instead. 52 fibers per square inch. Plush, for a hospital setting.

"With you and Alice on the same side of an argument, your opponent couldn't stand a chance," he mused aloud, smiling vaguely.

"It's probably a good thing we so seldom are then," I joked, playing along with his efforts to lighten the collective mood, and when I inhaled again, I found it had, indeed, helped.

Whether he decided this conversation was going to be longer than anticipated or he just felt he could be more persuasive up close, Carlisle slid into the chair beside me, letting his long arms dray over the sides. It was the first time I'd seen him look old. "If you were anyone else, I would have to try to draw you to this conclusion gently but, in truth, I think we're a little past that stage at this point – no? Jasper, can you honestly see another option for him?" Do you really think he could leave her now?" I shook my head almost immediately. There was no other way for either of them…the solution would never be that simple. "Me either," he replied a little sadly. "But, if Alice is right and I gain a daughter or you're right and I lose a son, it's far too late to stop either outcome." He glanced over, a half-smile on his lips and looked into my eyes. "Me…I'm hoping for another wedding, because that's the best I can do."

"Just accept it and hope for the best…" I summarized glumly. Carlisle chuckled.

"That's the gist of it."

We sat in silence for a few minutes, immersed in our own thoughts, and then I realized with a start that Carlisle's feelings weren't intensifying or overshadowing my own because he felt the same conflict – the same unrest. "What was it like, when you realized Edward didn't want Rose?" I asked impulsively.

Carlisle saved Rosalie from certain death – but he saved her for Edward, hoping that she might be his Esme. Needless to say, things didn't quite work out as he'd planned. I wasn't sure why this question was so important now, but it seemed vital – imperative.

He missed a few beats before answering me – too much hesitation to be convincingly calm. "In truth, it was terrifying. When I saved Edward and Esme, they were presumed dead by all who knew them. With Rosalie…her family was still looking for her, which presented its own set of difficulties. Knowing I'd undertaken such a risk, only to have Edward despise her? It was devastating." He got up again, picking up the photo I'd discarded and examining it intensely – drawing calm from even this poor representation of his wife. "I didn't know what I was doing back then, mind you," he added, glancing up for an instant. "I'd loved Esme so intensely from the moment I laid eyes on her and I loved Rosalie as well…I just assumed that Edward would care for her as he'd done Esme. I didn't imagine he could feel anything else. And then, to watch what she suffered…everything she hoped for was taken from her in the most violent and despicable of ways. In the early days – when she ran wild, avenging her death – I wondered if it might have been kinder to let her die, rather than to prolong the pain she felt, because I was sure she would destroy herself. Eventually, of course, things changed and normalized. I would say she learned to control herself but, really, I don't think any of her murders were about control so much as retribution, so let's just say she ran out of people to kill, shall we? They bonded eventually, more like siblings than anything else….they certainly fought too much to pass off for friends. I think it was then that the ruse shifted. Rosalie and Edward became adoptees and Esme got her chance at surrogacy.

"I don't regret doing it. If Rose hadn't joined our family, who knows if we would ever have found Emmett, or if you and Alice would ever have found us? Still, I learned a very valuable lesson there – you can't force these things. Even when she brought Emmett to me – broken as he was, I hesitated to change him for fear that her love for him might be diminished when the danger had passed. It didn't, but I worried for the first few years that it might."

I left the hospital a few minutes later, not lighter than I'd been when I came and certainly not less unsure, just less conflicted, but that was enough. I didn't go back to school. Carlisle called the office, begging me off on the grounds that I'd picked something up while we were on vacation last week. Mrs. Cope, the secretary, was sympathetic. As persuasive and attractive as she found Edward, it was nothing compared to the way she felt about Carlisle – her swooning practically palpable over the phone line. "That's such a shame, Mr. Cullen," she said, a simper in her tone.

"Carlisle, please," he protested genuinely.

"Carlisle then," she replied, her voice going up an octave when she said his name. "I hope little Alice doesn't get ill as well."

I grinned. Mrs. Cope adored Alice. "I don't think he's contagious, but please call if you think any of the others are coming down with something."

"I will," she promised. I wondered aloud, when he hung up the phone, how long it would be before she started asking to check foreheads for fevers. Carlisle smiled.

"So what are you going to do with your free afternoon?" he asked. The charade was well played - his nonchalance convincing, but I felt the faint notes of interest beneath it.

"I think I'll go home and try to rest my mind some," I answered. "It's been one of those days."

Alice, Emmett and Rosalie made it home before anyone else. Emmett and Rose were arguing – they stormed off in opposite directions the minute the front door closed – but Alice made a beeline for me, sitting on a branch that hung just outside or window. "You're getting to be just as bad as he is," she grumbled immediately, scrunching her pretty features into a scowl.

"What?" I asked, caught off guard. I"d expected the Alice from this afternoon – cautious and apologetic. I even had a speech prepared….

"I can't see my present anymore!" she explained, her insult growing with every syllable. The laugh that escaped from my chest was genuine and deep – more curative than any conversation or amount of distance could be. Right then, in that moment with her hands on her hips and her brow furrowed, Alice was everything I'd ever wanted and she was mine. "It's not funny, Jasper," she chided, annoyed. "I liked the blue one."

"How did I end up being the one in trouble when you're the one sneaking a peak at your anniversary gift before I've bought it?" I asked, trying to sound affronted.

Without warning, she was perched precariously in my lap, a grin spreading across her face like a ray of light. This moment – the seconds in between the conversation we'd been having and the more serious one that was about to come felt like a break in the storm – that one perfect moment when the sun peaks out from behind the clouds and the rain stops. It amazed me how good it felt to haveher cradled in my arms, suspended above the problems that were consuming my thoughts…existing outside the reach of the day to day. For those fleeting seconds, I could hear Carlisle and Esme, Rosalie and Emmett, my family around me, but in my mind and heart, only Alice.

"You see it now, don't you?" she asked eagerly – excited. The moment shattered.

For Alice, here was only what she saw. She didn't question the future. What she saw was what would be, for all practical purposes and, since it was already decided, there would scarcely be a point in questioning it. That was how she saw things – in black and white. For me and, where this particular subject was concerned, for Edward as well, things were more complicated. Decisions could change, and that changed everything.

"I'm trying," I started, loosening my grip on her waist to lean back against the mossy trunk. "to accept that it's too late to stop this – that they're on whatever path they're on and that, no matter twhat happens, the only thing I can do is hope for the best."

I was repeating Carlisle's words and I knew she probably registered the redundancy but, trite or not, that was precisely what I was trying to do and there would be no point in rewriting it. Alice leaned into my chest and I inhaled the sweet scent of her hair, still intoxicating so many years later.

"Why do I see you and Edward in the Volvo on the 101?" she asked, half-pleased, half-confused.

"Never you mind," I replied, pulling her closer, a touch of my southern drawl slipping into my generally precise cadence.

Alice sat up against my protesting arms and leapt down from the tree, landing noiselessly on the carpet. "Oooh! Presents!" she exclaimed, smiling. "He'll be home in five minutes," she added in a sing-song voice before heading out into the hall. I wanted to stop her – to ask what all she'd seen, but I knew this would be a conversation best experienced for the first time during the having of it. I might say the wrong thing, but that was the point after all.

A few seconds drifted slowly by, my eyes on the wall clock that had become such a fixture of my life during the past fifty years. This week had changed me. I was impatient – unwilling to wait even a moment more…for what? Then I heard the Volvo in the driveway. Edward. It was his urgency seeping into my thoughts – his impatience.

Tonight would not be easy.

The ground shook beneath my feet when I swung back on the branch, dropping into the grass. The Volvo stopped a few seconds later, mere inches in front of me.

"I don't want to argue, Jasper," Edward said immediately. "Not tonight."

I stepped in his path, conventionally a dangerous decision, but I knew he would find nothing threatening in my thoughts if he stopped long enough to look. "Neither do I."

Edward did stop, angry for a moment, but then breathing his way back into a calm. "I don't want to argue either", I said quietly. I could sense Rosalie's curiosity. She'd heard us. Edward didn't say anything. "Let's go into Seattle. I have to get a gift for Alice and the distance will give us at least some measure of privacy."


End file.
